The Anxiety of Writing… and Other Stories

“Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite:

“Fool!” said my muse to me, “look in thy heart, and write.”

– Philip Sidney, Astrophel and Stella

It’s a strange thing that to writers, writing can be utterly terrifying. One would assume that given this is the person’s chosen profession, he or she would be happy to write! begging to write! willing, able, and eager to write! but sometimes that really isn’t the case. In fact. sometimes it feels like utter madness choosing to do this for a career. In any creative profession, it’s very hard to go “Okay, 1-2-3, create!” but at the same time, there is no right time to create – one has to be diligent and disciplined and actually create a writing habit.

There are books, courses, quotes, blog posts, veritable tomes dedicated to creating a writing habit. And yet it is all still easier said than done. I have been trying to make time for my own writing, something I’ve promised myself I will concentrate more on this summer in particular as I have a lighter teaching load near the end of the term, and yet the thought of it (doing something I love and that brings me immense satisfaction) completely paralyses me.

Isn’t it funny? Writing is what I feel compelled to do with my life (in fact, I started my business in order to be able to do it as part of my career). Writing is what I dream about. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do (along with teaching). Perhaps it’s that I fear really, really putting it all out there and confessing that I’m working on a novel. Then a) I’ll actually have to do it b) people will want to know what it’s about and actually want to read it (gasp!) and c) I’ll actually have to do it! And taking that leap will mean… I have faith in myself?

I’m trying to combine some ideas from Gretchen Rubin and Elizabeth Gilbert (check out some of her thoughts on writing)- though I have a suspicion I’m stalling on Idea 1 to avoid Idea 2. Rubin suggests de-cluttering to aid in happiness and productivity, and my office is a total disaster. It doesn’t help that it’s also our music room (this includes an antique organ, guitars, and amps) or that as the term goes on, I end up with piles of extra handouts, papers, etc. from teaching, or that I really need a new desk… At the same time, it’s not as if I have to write in my office or that I have to have a pristine space in which to write (though it certainly helps, I do often do my best work while at a coffee shop/some public sphere – I’m writing this as my students write their midterm). Gilbert suggests setting a timer and writing for 30 minutes; making manageable blocks of time and getting things done. Whenever, wherever. Again, this would mean I actually have to do it!

Baby steps, baby steps. At least I’ve taken some time to update my blogs. Next step, more tidying, more growing things, but also MORE DISCIPLINE, LESS FEAR!

“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.” – Lilia St. Crow

Growing Things

After a stressful run of things, and then an incredible holiday, I’ve been settling back into reality a bit. I feel a lot more relaxed and am trying to keep a positive frame of mind. I’ve intentionally taken on a lighter work load and am hoping to concentrate more on writing. And on growing things.

Early stages .

Of course there’s all the metaphorical growth that I need to focus on, but I’m referring specifically to growing a veggie garden. It’s certainly a lot of work (much like inner growth), but I’m hoping for fresh salad at the end of it 🙂 It’s been quite the project. Our downstairs neighbours used to have (informal) custody of the back yard and for quite a while, they had a veggie patch going. In fact, when we moved in almost 6 years ago, we were presented with a bulging bag of tomatoes, courgettes, etc. Due, however, to injury, neither of them have been able to continue the garden, and so, for the last two years, it’s become a dandelion cultivation project.

This year, Le Husband decided he wanted to take charge of it and start growing veggies. And so the epic task began. It’s no mean feat, clearing two years worth of growth, blackberries, dandelions and buttercups. It took a LOT of sweat, many many full bags of roots and dirt, and then the digging and spreading. While this was happening, I started with some seeds indoors. It’s a weirdly maternal feeling watching the little seedlings emerge and it’s with a similar sense of wonder and fear that I’ve kept an eye on them. (They don’t wake me up at night though).

And finally the garden was ready. I’ve now planted my seedlings and a bunch of seeds as well, and now I can only wait and see. I have a horrible feeling I should’ve waited a bit longer on the seedlings and it’s a very hot day today, so who knows if they’ll even survive Day One, but it’s been fun and good exercise, and at the end of it, I hope that we have a nice crop of all sorts of exciting things. I’ve gone for herbs, lettuce, chard, beetroots, carrots, spinach, beans, cucumbers, courgettes, and some edible flowers s well. I’ve also included some bee friendly wild flowers in a little patch of their own. I also have a plot to add some containers of strawberries too.

Now I can only hope that as my physical garden grows, so does my metaphorical one. And if anyone has tips for either one, please feel free to comment 🙂