There are certain things in life that are just facts.

For example:

  • If you are a lunch lady, your name must be Doris and you have to hate anyone under the age of 30 and have a hairy mole in a prominent place*.
  • If you pick up that extra glass just to get everything to the kitchen in one trip, you will drop the forks/break something.
  • If you have a day off, it will rain.
  • If you have to go to work, it will be gloriously sunny.
  • If you happen to have a pen by the phone you will either have no paper, or said pen will not work (no matter how many times you draw frantic scratches on that outdated take-out menu/phone book).
  • If you are really organised and buy all your Halloween treats early, you will open the box two weeks before Halloween, gorge on the chocolates till you feel sick, and then have to replace them when only the crap stuff is left.
  • If you’re a sweaty guy called Harvey in an ill-fitting suit, you must sell insurance.
  • If you throw away the packaging and receipt immediately, it’ll be the one item you need to return.
  • If you really need your cellphone, it’ll be the day you forgot to charge it.
  • If you have a dentist’s appointment, it’ll be the one day that year you floss, as if it’ll make all the difference.
  • If you switch lanes, your lane will slow to a crawl. And if you switch back, that lane will then slow to a crawl**.
  • If you take a “short cut”, there will be road work/you’ll end up in the wrong direction.
  • If you splash out and buy a new pair of fancy shoes, they’ll be on sale the following week.

And so on. I am sure that I will think of plenty more. In the mean time, add your own!

*Okay, so our lunch lady nazi was Sophie, but she had an extraordinary mole
**Think the opening scenes of “Office Space”.