I’ve been feeling pretty rotten for a while and lately it’s been a feeling of extreme anger and frustration, like a don’t-f%%$- with-me-or-I’ll-punch-your-lights-out kind of angry and frustrated. I’ve been struggling to figure out where this is coming from and some of it has been related to a large amount of admin in my life, but at the same time, none of this has been life-threatening, more just incredibly annoying. None of it has really warranted the level of anger I’ve been feeling. Some of it is more hurtful or disappointing than anything else, so why my borderline homicidal feelings?
I’ve been doing a lot of work on listening more to my emotions (they have never lead me wrong in some of the biggest decisions I’ve made), and balancing this out with my natural tendency to intellectualise and rationalise things. I have been working hard on trying to trust more, in myself and the Universe (*insert clash of tambourine here*) and also been working on giving myself permission to feel kak, but also not allow it to consume me. But I have realised, today, in a startling, lightening bolt kind of way, that I have a huge tendency to think of things in an all or nothing way. Either A will work out, or it won’t; either B will go all according to plan, or it’s never going to happen. Either I’ll be happy (that shining, golden, illusive “thing” we pursue), or I will be miserable (heart sucking, crumpled in a heap for the rest of my life miserable). I have been accused of being inflexible before, which I really don’t think is true when it comes to other people, but apparently definitely true when turned in on myself.
I struggle with giving myself permission to … let go, be selfish, not worry so much about what other people think, to not always have to be the mediator, to not always have to be responsible and mature, and so I have discovered that this inauthenticity to myself and how I am feeling causes the fearsome tiger in me to rise up and show its claws. These claws can turn inward and tear my wee heart to shreds, or rear up against others in unrelated situations. But Tiger, I want you to know that today I recognised you for who and what you are, and why you are there, and I promise here and now to listen to you and trust you , but also to put you in your place when you’re getting out of line. Because no-one likes a bad kitty.
I promise, Tiger, to give you permission to be yourself, and to do what is best for you, without constantly worrying about everyone else. You are beautiful and primal and most often right. I would not be me without you, and I see you, and your value. I love you, and even though sometimes you scratch me, I will always love you. I appreciate you. And all those things I berate you for being – overly sensitive, overly controlling, too accomodating to others, roaring too loudly when maybe you shouldn’t or others think you shouldn’t… these are not weaknesses. I see now that these are tools I can use to nurture you.
Thank you. You are beautiful.